How to Ruin A Church

“Not The Way It’s Supposed To Be”

Dear Snivel,
After considering the success of the letters of my colleague, Screwtape, to his nephew Wormwood, I thought it would be prudent to write you a letter concerning the destruction of Pleasantville Community Church. Do not be afraid--ruining a church is not as difficult as you might think. Cornelius Plantinga Jr. has inadvertently written a guidebook for those seeking to destroy churches in his book “Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be”. According to Plantinga, “Everything sin touches begins to die.” He is quite right and this is the key to your assignment. You do not need to kill the church overnight, but by introducing sin into every corner of the church, it will slowly destroy itself.
Your first task is to introduce the sin of gluttony. Gluttony is especially effective because it smothers the appetite for righteousness. “...Full stomachs and jaded palates take the edge from our hunger and thirst for justice. And they spoil the appetite for God.” Encourage the pastoral staff to overeat, have members of the church cook cakes and other pastries and drop them off at the church office along with soda and other sweet drinks. A glutton will not feel the need to right the wrongs in the church nor to cry out to God and accordingly his soul and the church will suffer
The analogy of junk food can be carried further. Snivel, you can stifle desire for God by persuading the leaders of the church to feed the congregation spiritual junk food. A child who has eaten his fill of ice cream has no desire to eat vegetables, and though his stomach is full, his body will suffer for lack of nutrition. Plantinga wisely points out that the believer “... must shun emotional and religious junk food that might spoil her appetite for God and her hunger and thirst for righteousness”. Our aim is the opposite, so have the pastor preach a sermon series on prosperity and make sure there is no mention of sin. If he thinks he should mention sin, convince him that it will offend the seekers. Have the pastor recommend flakey devotionals and small group Bible study materials. Better yet, have the small groups study the latest Christian book instead of the Bible.
Feed the church junk food during worship. here are a large number of worship choruses that have beautiful melodies but have very little substance. Get the worship leader to add those songs and get rid of the hymns. Or, try to get them to sing popular rock songs that have a “spiritual meaning” such as U2’s “Where the Streets Have No Name” . The song has an enticing melody, which is enough to keep them satisfied so as to not desire Jesus. Finally, get rid of liturgy and replace it with another fluffy chorus.
One of my favorite strategies is polluting. If you cannot take out the positive elements from the church, you can pollute them. Our unsuspecting mentor, Plantinga, states, “The image of pollution suggests bringing together what ought to be kept apart.” Snivel, herein lies the key: bring in as much of the world to the service as you can. Tell the worship pastor that if they play rock music at the beginning of the service, seekers will think the church is cool. Have the church host a Super Bowl party in the sanctuary, and make sure they show the commercials. There is nothing quite like seeing a beer commercial with scantily clad women projected next to a cross and above the pulpit. Tell the pastor that he should use clips from obscene films in order to illustrate scripture. It’s very helpful if the scene has obscenities, because even if the pastor mutes them, the congregation will still think of the words that were said. Moreover, they can easily be tempted to rent the film and view it at home. Remember, your task is to pollute the church by bringing the sin of the world into the worship service. Convince them that church traditions are dry, dead, and ineffective, and that what is needed to reach this generation is pop culture infused with the worship service.
Polluting the youth group is quite easy; I would think you wouldn’t even need my help on this. However, here are a few pointers. Have the youth pastor show any PG-13 film in the youth sanctuary. There will be enough obscenities and sexual imagery to pollute the minds of the youth. If they watch trash at church, how much more so will they watch it in their homes? Next have the youth pastor host a video game night and make sure that the games are violent. To those who might object to the sanctuary hosting a bloodbath of violent images, call them “out of touch with today’s teens.” Then, if you add the normal lie that “video games don’t have an impact on kids today; it’s the parents,” this should shut them up. Also, a little complaining by the students about too much Bible study and not enough games goes a long way in discouraging a youth pastor.
After you have begun substituting spiritual junk food into their diet, and polluting what good there is, stir up as much unbelief as you can. Make them anxious by causing problems in relationships, finances, and in their work places or at their schools. While doing this, it is imperative that you hide Scripture from their eyes. Once again, our “friend” Plantinga comes to our aide. He points out that “unbelief yields anxiety, which yields alternating pride and sensuality.” If they cannot perceive the truth of the Scriptures they will become anxious, and if they become anxious there will be sin. For example, if they struggle with finances, they will become afraid to give and jealous of their neighbor who has more money. Their belief in the character and promises of God is their chief weapon in fighting this anxiety. If these truths are hidden from them, they will easily succumb into an ever-deepening slough of despond and sin. Make sure their eyes are blind to Scripture and use anxiety to grow a garden of sin in the church.
Now remember, we want their eyes to be closed to Scripture but open to the world. Plantinga once again helps up with the phrase “Garbage in, Garbage out”. Fortunately, Christians today have bought the lie that media has no impact on them because, after all, it is only entertainment. (It really is too easy these days.) If they watch moral filth on TV and listen to sexually immoral songs on the way to work, that is what will come out of their hearts. This being said, have a member of the congregation recommend a sleazy TV series to the pastor and other leaders of the church as a must see in order to “engage with culture”. Let them watch the series under the pretense of engaging with culture. All the while they will be filling themselves with garbage that will eventually come out into their homes and into the church. Have a “cool” young person in the church pass along to the worship pastor a CD with beautiful melodies but scandalous lyrics. Use the pretense that the melodies may give the pastor ideas for new praise songs. Little do they understand that moral filth begets moral filth, not praise songs.
Regarding “holy activities” that you cannot get them to stop participating in, you do not need to be creative. Take what they enjoy and distort it so that it becomes evil. Our dear mentor Plantinga instructs “To be successful, evil needs what it hijacks from goodness.” Do they love praise music? They don’t need to stop singing praise music, just hijack it by making it about them rather than God. Stir up jealousy about who got the solo, and cause controversy about the style of music. A little bitterness can go a long way. Do they like fellowship? This not a problem, distort their fellowship so that they are in a constant state of complaining and gossip. Keep them from sharing Biblical truths or about the hope that they have, and encourage them to whine instead. Soon it will be far more productive for our purposes when they spend time in fellowship with believers than alone at home.
Plantinga reminds us that people obey authority, as the Milgram experiment revealed that what happened in Germany during the Nazi regime was not an anomaly: people obey authority . See if you can get the pastor to read some heretical books on the prosperity gospel, or church growth strategies, in order to lead his theology astray. Furthermore, Plantinga has conveniently reminded us that people conform to their peers.10 If you trap a few of the influential adults in sin, the rest of the group will follow.
For those who might care enough to speak out, have them attack the pastor with a fierceness that, when cloaked with the lie of righteous anger, is actually as wicked as the pastor’s sins. Then convince them that their gifts will be appreciated elsewhere, or try to have someone prophesy that God is finished with that church and has turned it over to us. Before long they will become discouraged and leave. 11
Convince others to connive12, whisper that the pastor can take care of it, or fill their child’s schedule with soccer, flute lessons, and other activities. Soon they will become too busy to care. Persuade the members of the church to perceive their life as a cocoon13. They don’t need to come to church; their children need to go to bed on time. Have the husbands get caught up in sports so that they have no desire to attend church, and have the wives get caught up in their child’s future so that it leaves no time for church. Give them phrases to use like “protecting family time” or “I need time to relax.” Amuse them to death with petty trivialities that bind their atttention14.
Snivel, if they become gluttons they will not have the will to pursue good. If you pollute what good they have, they will become misguided. If they become anxious it will produce a bumper crop of sin. Get those who would change things to leave, and enchant the rest into a sleep of following the leadership and taking care of their own interests. Anesthetize what little spiritual hunger remains, with amusements such as sports, DVDs, and mindless Internet searching.
Trusting it will not take long,
Uncle Flotsam